A surprise visit

Míngzé held the small item in his hands, not sure what to do with it now that she had given it to him. This was wrong on so many levels. Even if this was what she wanted, they shouldn’t be doing this. He brought a hand through his hair once there was more distance between them. He could clearly hear the confusion in her voice, which did not make this any easier.

“This, all of this.” Míngzé gestured to her and then back to himself as he shook his head. How could he explain it to her in a way that made sense and would not hurt her feelings? It was difficult, especially since his head was a mess right now. “You should only do this with someone you like, you really really like,” he tried to explain, putting an emphasis on really. While they were definitely friends, it was not the same. He could also not blame her for any of this. As far as he was aware he was the first person she met that was friendly towards her. It was not strange if she developed feelings in any way, but it was his job to prevent it from escalating.

Whatever he was trying, it was not working. Míngzé tried to explain to her that this was wrong, trying to do so without hurting her in any way, but was that even possible? All she told him was that she did not understand and he clenched his jaw for a moment. To think this was all because Xīyuàn sent her over, probably telling her this was a good idea while it really wasn’t.

It also only got worse. Míngzé stared at her in silence as he felt uncertain about his next move. “Not exactly,” he decided to say. It felt like he was walking on thin ice, where he had to be careful about every step he took. Of all the days, why did she choose to do this today? Míngzé shook his head before rubbing his eyes. “I do like you, Lucina, but not in that way.” After the words were out, a sigh slipped from his lips, his expression troubled. It was best to be honest about that now, before this would escalate even further.

It was with a heavy heart that Míngzé said those words. He’d thought about letting it rest and pretend none of this ever happened, but that would not be fair. That was not something he could do to her so he told her the truth, even if that was not what she wanted to hear.

However, her next words caught him by surprise. His eyes widened as he looked towards her, his back straightening a little. “You weren’t bothering me,” he told her instantly. There was a hint of a lie, because that day he wanted to be alone, yet there she was. His words were futile as he noticed how she got up and grabbed her bag. Míngzé did the same, rising to his feet as she did but she was already walking away. “I appreciate everything you’ve planned for today, I really do.” Lucina had already opened the door once those words were out, only to come face to face with the delivery man.

Míngzé could hear how she closed the door once more. He did not move and only stayed near the couch as he faced her. It felt as if nothing he said could make it any better, so he waited for her to say something.

Míngzé stood nailed to the floor, keeping one hand on the couch next to him. This was an unwinnable battle. It had been from the moment he decided to have this conversation. Perhaps there had been a way for him to avoid this, but he had fucked up at some point. No, he knew exactly when. He took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth as he listened to her. If she really felt something, then of course his words had hit her like a knife.

She talked about forgetting all of this. Míngzé opened his mouth to say something, only to close it again when he decided against it. Forgetting did not solve everything, it might even make things even worse than they already were. His gaze was directed at her while she kept talking, however he could not keep the frown of his head. “What? No, of course not. There is not a part of me that enjoys doing this,” Míngzé countered immediately, confused why she would even say that. “I don’t want to hurt you. I only want what’s best for you,” he spoke honestly while taking a step towards her.

There was no reason for him to be angry at her. It was him who had hurt her, even when that was not what he was after. With this subject, it was nearly unavoidable. If anyone had a right of being angry, it was Lucina and she was definitely just that. A silent sigh rolled over his lips. Míngzé felt defeated. “Then what do you want of me?” Had it been better to lie to her? Pretend there was something there, while it was not? All he would be doing was lie to himself and her. Which was not fair.

As Lucina announced that she should leave, she pushed the two boxes of pizza in his hands. It was clear that she did no longer want to stay here and if that was the case, he would not force her. His shoulders hung low, but he nodded. “I understand, I won’t keep you here if you don’t want to.” Míngzé held the pizza boxes in his hands as he waited for the sound of the door opening and closing. This day should not have ended like this.

Goodbye. That is what she called it. Míngzé could understand it would be difficult for her to visit him after this. He could not imagine the feelings that would go through her. When he’d told her that he liked her, he meant it. It was only in a different way than she did and that was the problem. Hearing this was goodbye, hurt because of it.

Míngzé could hear the door opening, see the silhouette move a little. She was really leaving. “You know my door is always open for you.” It was important that Lucina knew this. Knowing her story, he could only imagine that life must be difficult. If she needed, he would be there for her even after this. With a deep sigh he sat down once more, the boxes on his lap. From the coffee table he grabbed his glass and raised it as if he was toasting, before emptying the whole thing in one go.

This was yet another reason to put on hist list as to why he did not celebrate his birthday.