[m] House call

Míngzé told himself it would be fine if Lamar left later that day. He has a busy life filled with a lot of responsibilities. Who was he to pull him out of that life? The man shouldn’t even have been in his apartment in the first place. It was all because Sāng had texted him.

His hand trailed the man once more, his strokes less smooth than they’d been before. Words spoken by one of his friends rang in his head. No, things would be fine. Lamar would confess he was indeed too busy with his life and leave. Which was f—

A hand gently grabbed his chin, giving him no other option than showing his face. Because that was what this was. He could not see the look portrayed on Lamar’s face, but he could see his. An open book unable to lie in this very moment.

“I—” he stammered, his voice betraying him at the first sound. Lamar told him he was no waste of time, but would he really think so too if he was made aware of his secrets?

Do you want me to stay?

Earlier tears had almost been spilled, but back then he had managed to step them. It is how they ended up in his bed. But now it felt like everything was crumbling down again, with much more destruction as before. Tears burned in the corners of his eyes as he was no longer able to keep them to himself.

How he wanted to be able to say ‘no’. To let the man go home and be done with it. It would all be much easier, but he could not say it. Everything that happened that day was catching up to him, raging havoc within him. ”Yes. I—” His bottom lip trembled slightly as a tear broke free and traveled down his cheek.

The back of his hand roughly rubbed the tear away.  “Fuck— sorry, I— I’m so sorry—”Before Míngzé himself knew what he was doing, he broke free from Lamar’s arm by pushing himself into a sitting position. No matter how his body protested, he moved away from the man. No longer feeling comfortable that came with being fully naked, he pulled on his blanket, wanting to toss it over his shoulders. But he could not get it loose.

His hands were trembling, causing him to fumble with the fabric. Frustration built up within him as he had the idea that he kept failing over and over again. Slowly, more tears were following.

The euphoric feeling was quickly fading, making room for everything he did not want to feel. He should’ve known that it would end like this really. Their moment together had been too overwhelming to keep it together. One wrong question and he lost it. Or maybe it had been the right question.

All Lamar had to do was agree with him, but he’d seen right through the facade. Míngzé was in no state to pretend.

If only the damn blanket—

His rushed movements came to a halt as he noticed Lamar helping him. The blanket underneath him moved until it wrapped around his shoulders. Ignoring all the discomfort he got hold of either side, fully covering himself. It gave him a weird sense of security. Lamar’s around him added to it, more than he would want to admit.

With his shoulder hunched forward and his chin nearly touching his chest he made himself smaller. “I can’t,” he said honestly as he shook his head. Míngzé feared that if he cried now, he would not be able to stop anymore. There was too much bottled up and he simply couldn’t. Not then.

“I just need a second,” Míngzé muttered, his voice raw with emotion. Even though he said he would not cry, he could feel the wet tears run down his cheeks. His shoulders were only trembling slightly and he leaned back in the safety of the other man’s arm.

All he had to do was pick himself together as he’d done so very often. And yet a quiet sob escaped. The moment it did he pressed a hand against his lips. No, he would be fine.

How he felt guilty for pulling this man through this whole mess. Lamar should not see him break apart like this. Back in the barn he’d made him a promise, but this was not how he wished it to go. Far from it. This whole evening Lamar had been picking up the pieces without him even knowing he did so.

This whole day he’d been pushing away the shock from it all. First by calling Sāng, then having Lamar around. He thought that maybe, it would be enough to move on. What a fool he was to think he could start a new day tomorrow while pretending nothing had happened.

The few sobs that escaped quickly turned into real crying, yet Míngzé managed to muffle out most of the sounds. There was no describing how small he actually felt in that moment, but all that time he said nothing. Lamar deserved an explanation by now, but he couldn’t. He did not trust his own voice.

Míngzé had no idea how much time passed as he sat there, shoulders slightly trembling from time to time, trying to ground himself by focusing on Lamar’s comforting presence and touches. At some point he found a strand of peace and the crying slowly stopped.

His voice was still weak and fragile, making him sound as if anything could cause him to cry once more. “She’s a friend of mine, you know. The one that—” A lump in his throat made it impossible to continue. He could not get the words over his lips. “Or was— I guess” A weak and sad smile broke through at the sense of loss.

Again he wanted to be able to turn back time to a moment when all there had been was Lamar. Everything else had felt meaningless at the time, completely pushed aside by him in the best way possible. Míngzé wanted that back instead of whatever he was giving the man right now.

Míngzé tried to rub the tears away from his eyes, push the emotions away and keep the sobs to himself, but it proved to be an impossible task.

The other deserved to know after their time together, it was the least he could do. But where and how to start? How could he even explain it without any context.

A friend would not do this, Lamar reminded him of. Míngzé heaved a shaky breath. She’d asked him how he could still trust Sāng after everything he had done. But what had he really done to him? Yes, there was the threat, but that was because he wanted his friends safe and he had never acted upon it.

This… this had been completely different.

“She was on edge and irritated, I knew that much but— we all are sometimes— I never thought— it just happened.” Míngzé squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth when his voice broke once more.

There had probably been many warnings, all of which had gone over his head. The look in her eyes might have told him enough, or the way she held her body. But he couldn’t have known.

“And now I can’t even take a proper shower,” he laughed sadly, trying to bring a bit of light back to this situation.

It’s not your fault.

Those words made him feel empty inside. It surely felt like it was all his fault. If he’d done things differently from the start, this would never have happened. But Lamar could not know that and he would not tell him. All Míngzé could do was stay completely silent.

In the safety of the blanket wrapped around him and with Lamar’s arms around him he found peace again. His eyes were slightly red, burned and his eyelids felt even heavier than before. If only he could fall asleep right there and then.

Míngzé hummed softly at the idea mentioned by Lamar. For the first time in a while he turned his upper body around a bit, facing the other. “I’d like that,” he answered with a small smile, one that at least reached his eyes this time.

No matter how pleasurable it all was, afterwards he always felt dirty, which was only normal. “Follow me.” With slight hesitation he moved forward, unsure if he even should, but he placed a soft kiss against Lamar’s cheek. A thank you.

Míngzé left the safety of the blanket and those arms, a cold chill immediately running down his spine. He moved to the edge off the bed, gave himself a few seconds to adjust before standing up. As a hiss threatened to escape, he bit his lip to hold it back. His legs still felt weak and his aching body did not.

“Like I said, a truck,” he tried to joke. There was no way he could hide the discomfort from the doctor. Luckily the bathroom was right next to his bedroom, so they did not have to go far at all. But Míngzé waited and held out his hand for Lamar.

It seemed like he always managed to worry Lamar. It made him wonder if he really looked that fragile, but he liked to believe not. He gave a few reassuring nods. “I will,” he promised the other, softly squeezing his hand. “Besides, I’ve had worse.” He shrugged quickly. The scars already decorating his skin were proof of just that.

While he had to take it slowly, it was manageable enough to get him towards the bedroom. One step at a time until his body started to adjust slightly. It was unfair that women had it so much easier.

The bathroom was rather small with only the necessary. A shower instead of a bath, because there was no room, a sink right next to the toilet and a small closet filled with towels. He already grabbed a pair for later.

Even now he still had no idea how to do this. “So, tell me doctor, what next? If I’m not mistaken, stitches shouldn’t get wet.” Míngzé tried his best to smile at that. There was more they shouldn’t have done, which was exactly how they ended up here.

It really was one problem after the next with him, but Míngzé managed to hold back a sigh and keep other emotions to himself. It was bad enough that he’d cried once, he did not want to do that again and have Lamar see him like that twice in one day. Or no— it would be a third time.

“It can come off.” Carefully he stepped into the shower and removed the shower head before aiming it at the ground. He turned it on, waiting for the water to heat up. “It’s an older apartment so it will take a few seconds,” Míngzé explained with a small smile. Normally Lamar could use this time to undress but— that was not necessary.

“There also should be washcloths in the closet as well.” (Because washandjes are something otherworldly) Míngzé preferred not to be sticky or crunchy when he went to bed so he would make sure he was clean.

He held his hand underneath the stream, the warmth pleasant against his skin. “This good for you?” Míngzé stepped a bit out of the way so Lamar could join him.

The shower was small, but he was sure they would manage just fine. It was not like they could get any closer than they already had been. With the shower still pointing at the ground, he gave Lamar enough room to join him. They had to stand practically against each other.

Míngzé hummed softly in response to the question being asked. How could it be that he felt a bit uncomfortable now? After everything it was the idea of being washed by the man that made him uncomfortable. It was not something anyone had ever done to him. He could just feel his face heat up.

“We could start with me,” he said, clearing his throat right after. “Get that out of the way.” Míngzé showed a weak smile. No matter what, making sure he was clean was probably for the best if they wanted to avoid an infection.

From the very small plastic shelf in his shower he grabbed a bottle, his fingers first tracing the shape to make sure he had the right one. “Soap,” he said as if Lamar would not know what it was. He also handed him the shower head.

After he’d broken down earlier, he gradually felt himself picking up the pieces, feeling better again. As much as was possible. Some things would need more time to heal. Much more time. But he did not want to dwell upon it too much.

Which was why he tried to make a little fun of the situation. No matter everything.

His golden eyes were directed at Lamar, searching for his eyes he would never find. By now he knew perfectly well what he felt like, but he would never know what he truly looked like. How his lips would move when he laughed or smiled, the soft rimples at his eyes as he did so. All those little details.

Lamar spoke up before his mind had time to wander off too far. Blinking a few times he came back to reality. “I’m well aware you’re perfectly capable of being careful and gentle,” Míngzé said with a small hint of a smile. In order words— “I trust you.” And how hard it was to earn that trust.

When he could feel the water moving up, he did the same with his arms. He held them in the air, not wanting any water to touch them. “I’m standing here like I’m some criminal.” And Lamar was holding him under fire.

Ah yes, the bites that covered his skin. Mingze held his breath when Lamar touched a delicate spot on his neck, where he traced the mark left there. "We all lose control sometimes." He tried to hold the other´s gaze as well as he could.

Part of him wondered if he had said something wrong, but he quickly dismissed the idea. He would not let his thoughts wander off too much. Although... he was rather failing at that already.

Mingze raised one questioning look while doing his best to keep a smile from his lips. "I don´t know officer," he responded calmly a hint of a grin broke through. "You tell me, I am completly innocent." Mingze shrugged lazely. The water moved further down so he dared to lower his arms a little. "What are the charges?" No, he would behave. He would not make another mistake so soon.